Twenty Miles

Skeptical Saturdays. That’s what they’ve become. I hoped to run 18 miles but knew there was a good chance I might not make it past 10. I decided I’d be thrilled with 18, happy with 16, satisfied with 12, and a little devastated with anything less.

All the training teams met at Union Square  – Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan — because there was a Bone Marrow Registration Drive and we wanted to get swabbed so if we were a match for anyone, they could find us. I was happy that we were meeting and ending in Manhattan because I had a mentor orientation for Girls Write Now that afternoon and it would have been hard to make it there from Brooklyn on time. My plan was to run, get swabbed, shower at a gym nearby, eat, get oriented, get home, sleep. Not the ideal schedule for my longest run. No time for an ice bath in there!

Since the Nike Marathon is coming up sooner than the NYC Marathon that most of my teammates are doing, I had a longer mile goal so I didn’t really get to run with the usuals, plus half of the usuals weren’t there. In fact, I think it’s hard to call any of us usual at this point. Between our busy lives, traveling, and injuries, we’re kind of hard to keep track of these days.

Suzy and I are both doing the Nike Marathon and though she wanted to do 20 miles, she was going to only do 18 with me because 18 with someone is better than 20 alone! We kept together almost the whole way, which was good because I didn’t see much of anyone else. Our run went along the coast of  Manhattan, down through the Financial District and up the West Side Highway. We saw a handful of runners when they turned around coming the other direction, but most of them we didn’t know because they were from other training teams. My knee only acted up when we stopped to fill up on water but re-adjusted pretty quickly once I got moving.

We ran with a couple of coach around mile 2 or three but that was the last we saw of them. Which was problematic, to say the least. The turn around point for 18 miles was 105th street. But since we were running along the West Side Highway, there was no signage. Well, there was, but it was for 125th! And even there people were confused as to where to turn around. I feel bad for the people who went further; they went well past 20 miles!

For few moments, I thought, okay. 20 miles. I probably didn’t have enough fuel for it — both water and food. But I really didn’t have a choice at that point. 20 miles. Okay, okay, let’s do this.

This attitude changed relatively quickly. The heat had taken its toll. And while my knee was behaving, I was hurting. In general, all over, everywhere. Suzy had more in her and ran ahead. She was in sight most of the time, but the truth is the truth. I was alone for the last 5 miles. And if there’s a time you don’t want to be alone, it’s during those 5 miles. I kept looking for coaches. I don’t know that they could have said or done anything to help. Probably not a whole lot, but I needed to focus my mental energy on something so I spent it on looking for them.

After I gave up the hopes of seeing a coach, I got to a bad place. A friend of mine whose done a marathon told me it’s the 18 and 20 mile run when people get really discouraged. I thought that was backwards. You would be so close! You would have come such a long way! But he was right. All I could think was that I was crazy. Why am I running? Why do I want to do a marathon? Am I kidding myself?

I think some of the mental block came from the fact that my knee was okay. I don’t know that I’d go so far as to say it’s been a scapegoat, but I’ve thought all along that it’s been my knee holding me back. So, when my knee wasn’t holding me back, why was it so hard? It should be easier now. But it wasn’t.

I had to walk a handful of times. In total, it was only for about .25-.5 miles. But I wasn’t happy about it. The last mile was on and off. And as soon as my watch hit 20 miles. I stopped, popped into store to buy a Powerade, and hobbled back to meet with what was left of the team — which wasn’t much. They’d finished miles and hours ago.

I kept my busy day going, a bit delirious, of course. I wasn’t hungry but made sure to eat. I was tired but tried to fight it until about 10pm. I worried about being sore today, but it’s not so bad. Not like you would imagine after 20 miles. So, it makes me still feel like none of that really happened But, thanks to my watch, I’ll never forget!

GTS 9/25 (aka Longest Run!) by jbenjamin382 at Garmin Connect – Details.

I feel like I should be happier. 20 miles. That’s crazy and awesome and amazing. But I keep thinking about those last 5 miles and I’m mad that I thought that way and worry it will happen again the day of the marathon. But maybe that’s why it’s good to go that far. To prepare not just your body, but yourself. To know how low you might get so you are prepared to talk yourself out of it.

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